Between The Lines: The Online Art/chive of Informes Informales

In one of the lamest excuses ever devised to cover up a presidential health issue in the history of political intrigue, a physician for George W. Bush announced that the President-neglect fainted and bruised his face after choking on a pretzel.

"When we found him, his speech was slurred, he was rambling incoherently, and he had a glazed look in his eyes," said his physician. "That's how we knew he was okay."

Little is known about the incident outside of official channels, but many suspect that the President-neglect is not being completely forthcoming about the details surrounding his loss of semi-consciousness.

The President-neglect, who reportedly fainted after a pretzel he was eating went down the wrong passage, claimed to be in good health and joked that he should have listened to his mother's advice about chewing his food.

"I thought she said if I masticate, I would go blind," said Bush.

A White House insider, however, reported that the incident occurred when First Lady Laura Bush, who normally cuts the President-neglect's food into bite sized morsels, had left the room.

"I suppose we should applaud his initiative," said the insider. "You know, I'm sure he felt that cutting his own food would make him look more presidential. And remember, he was watching TV while eating the pretzel. We should give him credit for trying to do two things at the same time."

Still, other sources claim that Bush passed out after a long afternoon of drinking and actually hit his head on an empty Jack Daniels bottle.

Bush, a recovering alcoholic and suspected cocaine user whose youthful indiscretions with hard liquor kept him in an adolescent daze until his late forties, was known to be despondent about the capture of American Taliban fighter John Walker. Walker is the nephew of Bush's college friend and trusted advisor John "Johnny" Walker-Black.

"Bush has been quite distraught about this," said official Bush biographer Bret Easton Ellis. "He has always turned to 'Johnny' Walker-Black for advice, often referring to him as his Undersecretary of Good Times. The two are very close."

Ellis claims that the stress of the presidency has caused Bush to seek the comfort of his old friend.

"There's a lot of pressure on him right now," said Ellis, "what with the war, the Enron scandal, the economy, the Enron scandal, his two daughters being filmed for 'College Girls Gone Wild,' the Enron scandal and let's not forget his administration's possible role in the Enron scandal."

But not all are as forgiving of Bush's chewful indiscretion.

"We don't buy it," said Ken Spearicey, editor of the "W Files" website. "It sounds like a cover up. With all the pretzel logic that comes out of his mouth, you think there would be no problem getting a pretzel in."

"The only thing worse than it being a cover up is if it was true," added Spearicey, "I mean is the fate of the free world really in the hands of a guy who chokes and faints because of a pretzel? I'd rather believe it was a cover up. I would sleep better at night if it was."

Rumors are also circulating that Bush may have been a victim of the same "Mr. Salty" that caused rocker Rod Stewart to lose consciousness in the 1970s. Still other rumors refer to a possible internal affair between the President-neglect and an individual referred to only as "Joseph Gerbils."

One source close to the White House claims that Bush was in fact "pimp slapped" by Vice President Dick Cheney for speaking at a cabinet meeting without first raising his hand. Bush has been known to receive heavy reprimands from Cheney, but those have previously been limited to being forced to sit in a corner and wear a dunce cap.

To demonstrate that he was in good health, a bruised George W. Bush toured a John Deere plant to watch other people work.

"It was quite invigorating," said Bush. "There's nothing like watching other people work. It is really a wonderful thing."

The Bush family has always been known to have problems swallowing, despite the amount they expect the American public to swallow. During his own term, former president George Bush Sr. almost plunged the US and Japan into a trade war after vomiting in front of the Japanese prime minister.

White House officials claim George W. Bush wanted to be open about the multiple pretzel-related injuries to his face and was privately relieved that the press did not inquire about the broken ribs, ruptured spleen or other contusions he received during the incident and a subsequent "fall down a flight of stairs."

Nevertheless, Bush remained jovial with reporters.

"I can knock back beer nuts and corn nuts without chewing," said an embarrassed Bush. "I guess I better stick to just putting nuts in my mouth."

Mr. Salty was unavailable for comment.

2001 | 2000 | 1999 | E-mail us! | Join e-mail list! | Links

2001 \| 2000 \| 1999 \| E-mail us! \| Join e-mail list! \| Links

All writings on this site are copyright Victor Payan unless otherwise noted