Between The Lines: The Online Art/chive of Informes Informales

In a nationally-televised press conference on Saturday, President-neglect George W. Bush said that the war on terror was a new kind of war and that it could last for many years.

Shortly thereafter, an e-mail was circulated on the internet saying that CNN was actually rebroadcasting footage from Bush's first "New Kind of War" press conference, which was held in September.

CNN quickly issued a statement saying that the press conference was live, but a comparison of the two press conferences in question revealed that Bush was in fact delivering the same speech in both cases. Further investigation has discovered that Bush has used the exact same speech on at least three other occasions.

"I've said it very clearly and in no unmistakable terms. This is a new kind of a war," Bush told reporters. "It's not like the old kind. This is a new kind. It is new, and it is kind, and it is a war. How much more clearer can I get?"

When one reporter asked Bush to explain what this meant in a manner that demonstrated that he actually knew what he was talking about, Bush replied, "Let's just say that Mary had a new kind of war, and it's fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went that new kind of war was sure to go. Next question."

In Saturday's press conference, Bush also warned for the fifth time that the War on Terror would cause the United States to work with governments that did not necessarily value democracy or freedom and which historically demonstrated no respect for human rights, such as China, Pakistan, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Afghanistan, and certain parts of Texas.

"Politics makes strange goodfellas," said Bush.

"We knew the day would come when we would have to do business with, sell arms to and support dictatorial governments that oppress, imprison and torture their own people," he explained. "Luckily we have been practicing how to do this for more than thirty years."

Bush also commented on the meeting of the World Trade Organization in Qatar.

Many critics feel Qatar was chosen specifically because its limitations on freedom of assembly and the press would silence the kind of global opposition to the WTO that was demonstrated by more than 100,000 protestors in Genoa earlier this year.

"We know that Qatar has some strikes against it," said Bush. "But we must be compassionate so that the leaders of Qatar will learn the value of freedom. We must welcome them back. They have been away far too long. We must say with utmost seriousness and dignity: 'Welcome Back, Qatar.'"

Bush also spoke about the importance of trading with these "proto-democratic" governments in order to generate economic stimulus.

"It is important that we reach out and stimulate each other's economies," said Bush. "We must hold out our hands and offer packages to provide aggressive short-term mutual stimulation which would leave all parties feeling satisfied."

Shortly thereafter, the Bush press conference was interrupted by a press conference given by Homeland Security Fuhrer Tom "Ruby" Ridge saying that the FBI had issued an update on the profile of the mysterious anthrax letter suspect.

"The FBI now says the suspect is a smug religious extremist who is vindictive and who has reasons to dislike the media and the Democrats," said Ridge. "He is believed to be someone who has access to high-level government lab-grade anthrax and who has extensive experience working with white powder."

Ridge added that the suspect is not very bright, citing the misspelling of the word 'penicillin' in the anthrax-laden letter mailed to Tom Brokaw.

"The suspect definitely has issues with the English language," said Ridge.

Ridge also explained that although the suspect may portray himself as kind and compassionate, the FBI claims the he is actually pathologically evil, may be a recovering alcoholic and that his repressed rage would inevitably manifest itself in facial ticks, smirks and the sudden eruption of large boils on the face.

The Ridge press conference was then interrupted by a press conference given by National Security Advisor Condabeelzebub Rice, who said there was credible evidence that the credible evidence about a terrorist attack in the near future was evidently credible.

Following Rice's press conference, the networks returned to the President-neglect's press conference, in time for some good news about the war effort.

"After several days of intensive bombing, we have successfully captured Omar Sharif," said Bush.

When a reporter asked if the President-neglect didn't actually mean the town of Mazar e Sharif, which was taken by Northern Alliance troops recently, Bush said "Uh oh," then added, "Next question."

The popular actor issued a statement regarding the incident which merely said, "Sharif don't like it."

Sources say Sharif is expected either to be released immediately or else to be held without charges for an indeterminate amount of time in a secret government detention facility.

Please visit the website for the State Department's Bureau of Democracy, Human Rights and Labor to see how different countries measure up.

http://www.state.gov/www/global/human_rights/

or click here to read the chilling reports to some of America's "recent" goodfellas:

Pakistan | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Afghanistan | China

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All writings on this site are copyright Victor Payan unless otherwise noted