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Fuzzy math recount to decide close
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Gore's Groin Grabs Bush Camp by
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Soylent Gringo...It's Tacos!
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Bush tells mesmerized crowd:
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07/18/00
Proposition 21 Backfires
07/03/00
Fox wins, Mexican voters give PRI
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06/23/00
Mexican candidates woo mojado
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06/19/00
Pat Buchanan plays hardball
with little league team
06/12/00
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03/12/00
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Home |
06/19/00
 Buchanan plays hardball with Little League
team
By Victor Payan
In a move that has outraged and perplexed baseball
fans all over the country, Reform Party presidential candidate Pat Buchanan
has announced plans to start his own little league franchise. Buchanan told
reporters at a recent press conference that the team, which will feature
green and tan uniforms, will be called the "U.S. Border Patrol."
The announcement has angered many parents who feel that Buchanan is merely
trying to bring his extreme brand of political fearmongering to an otherwise
healthy and friendly game that teaches the values of respect and teamwork
to children.
"Why is everyone so upset?" asks Buchanan. "The liberals
already have their own little league teams. The commies have the Reds, the
gays have the Pirates, and minorities have the Indians, the Padres and,
what do you call 'em, the Houston Afros. How come nobody gets upset about
them?"
Although Buchanan has found no support in the little league community for
his controversial team, he expects it will find soon give presidential candidate
George W. Bush's Texas-based "Bush League" a run for its money.
"It's going to be a tough run against Bush," says Buchanan, "He's
a man who really loves baseball. I mean he's co-owner of the Texas Rangers
and all. And you should really see his eyes light up whenever they lay down
that white chalk line."
Buchanan also stated that he felt his "US Border Patrol" team
would help "re-Americanize" a sport that has seen a tremendous
increase in Latino players in recent years.
"We can't have Latino parents showing up who think the National Anthem
starts out: 'Jose, can you see by the dawn's early light.' It sends the
wrong message. And Sammy Sosa didn't learn how to swing a bat by washing
dishes either," says Buchanan. "Hopefully, my team will give our
boys a little bit of that advantage real American kids have enjoyed in the
past. I mean, when those little Latino players step up to the plate and
look into a field full of our Border Patrol boys, well, instead of running
for home plate, they'll be running for the border."
When asked whether this "advantage" would have the questionable
effect of turning the traditionally democratic baseball diamond into an
unfair playing field, Buchanan responded angrily.
"We're not going to coddle our players. We're not going to give them
any special assistance. There's no welfare in baseball. There's no affirmative
action in baseball. We're going to play hardball with them from the get-go.
We're going to teach them that the future for them is a lot like the game:
three strikes, you're out. I don't care what that damn little league oath
says."
© 2000 Victor Payan |
